I used to wonder about those people on the news who would go on sprees of some sort. Those people who experienced some sort of circumstances and stress that landed them heavily armed in a post office creating what would be testimony for their defense later.
In these past three weeks I'd have to say I no longer wonder about those people, I kinda get it. I have had health issues, a car impound of my perfectly legal car that took me on an adventure the likes of which hasn't been seen since The Hang Over and just now I found out my cat has, of all things, breast cancer.
60 pounds ago I would have taken myself somewhere and soothed myself in cheesy high-carb goodness and washed it down with a Pepsi all the while telling myself it was okay because I'm "going through some thangs". Today, I can't do that. As I've learned, if you have a problem and you try to eat it away then you'll end up with two problems - the one you started with and your issue with your weight.
So, what's a girl to do? The one thing she doesn't want to - feel it. I'm feeling the frustration of my legal car being impounded and having to pay 350 completely unnecessary dollars to get it out, I'm feeling the frenzy of planning Dinah Shore, I'm feeling the sadness of spending what could be my final days with my cat and I'm feeling the surprise of the potentially $1100 vet bill. I'm also feeling the guilt around my godmother's recent death because I hadn't spoken to her in ages, the uncertainty of a new business venture and so much more.
What I can't do is try to reduce my hurt and anxieties with enchiladas and pizza. That's a temporary fix with long-term effects and I'll feel bad about it later anyway.
It took a lot of years to re-condition myself not to eat my anxiety away and I'm not going to say the impulse isn't still there but I have to change my coping mechanisms and go hike it out instead. We've all learned from many a celebrity death and celebrity burn-out that the ways we choose to numb the pain can prove detrimental. We can't be so afraid of feeling that we damage ourselves even more, that's counter-intuitive.
Allow yourself to feel, to worry, to grieve, to pace and to lick your wounds. I once read that the wound is the space that the Light enters.
Heeeeeey, curve out of back,shoulders back,chin up,so that LIGHT can surely fine it's way in.
ReplyDeleteAs I sit here having my Cheddar Cheese Pringles and Pepsi while reading your blog....you just stepped on everyone my toes!!! Thanks!!! Phyllis D.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean, and thanks for helping me not to eat my problems away. But just keep at it, whatever life throws at you and you'll feel so much better in the end. I know I do, even after feeling like choking someone.
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