After a breakup most people call a friend or loved one and report the news, I, on the other hand, kept my breakup a secret to even my closest friend for the better part of a year and today is the first time I am discussing the breakup in public and I ended the relationship very early August 2009 (though we rekindled in an unofficial capacity from Thanksgiving 2010 to January 2011).
I don't discuss my private life so it wasn't unusual that I didn't discuss my breakup to anyone but I knew I wasn't just not discussing it, I was keeping it a closely guarded secret.
My breakup was kept secret because I took it as a failure even though it was I who ended the relationship. I had a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that professional success abounds yet I had yet again failed to find a love that would last a lifetime. I found it difficult to admit to my friends, to the multitude of followers who had inboxed and emailed me that pictures of my ex and I "made them believe in love again" and above all, I didn't want my previous ex who had found love to know because that would mean that maybe the problem was me after all. My unwillgness to admit and accept what I considered failure paralyzed me. I couldn't blog, I stopped doing events on a regular basis, I stopped being me. Keeping the breakup a secret also turned me into a pseudo-liar. People asked me about her all the time although many of the people asking had never met her. Where is she? She's at home. (I figured that was probably true so what's the harm right?) Also, I was beating myself up enough over my failure, I didn't want what I assumed would be pity or the raised eyebrow of "I knew that wouldn't work out".
I had to ask myself a few questions to get to this space where I could be open about this breakup. First, why be so upset by failure? Failure is what reminds us we're human and not some Skynet robotic life force sent back from the future to kill John Carter. Accepting that failure and shaking it off is what allows us to find new things to fail at instead of slowly dying in our paralysis. So, gentle reader, in the words of Sam Beckett "Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail Again. Fail Better."
Before that, though, I realized I need to be much more selective on what I deem "failure". My relationship ended, that happens to the best of us but to label it a "failure" was an error on my part. I had a relationship with an amazing, caring, supportive woman but we're different in a lot of ways and I decided to end it and that's okay, too. Looking for perfection in every aspect of one's life is far too much pressure. Realizing that, I'm ready to accept, release and move forward.
What are your thoughts? Have you ever taken a failure more personally than you should have?
Awesome self revelation sista!!!
ReplyDeleteI have the utmost respect for anyone who ends a relationship when they realize that there's no longevity. You did the right thing, which is not always easy for people to do. Some find it hard/impossible to let go and move on, out of fear of being alone or because they have convinced themselves that things will eventually change and work out.
ReplyDeleteThe most important part now is that you've found peace and that you're "ready to accept, release and move forward!"