An Exercise in "Tolerance"

For the past several months, I have been in attendence at several marriage equality panel discussions and I'd bump into Jason Cooper from the National Gay & Lesbian Task Force. It wasn't hard for us to find each other since we'd often find ourselves the only people of color in the room. Puzzled by this, we decided to organize a gathering for people of color to discuss their feelings on marriage equality and discuss why these same people were conspicuously absent from the aforementioned panel discussions.

So, we organized a complimentary dinner at Lucy Florence and invited members of the African American and Latino community, specifically couples, to the table (literally) for some food and conversation.

It was a cute set-up, food was good, location was central, all that. Damn shame nobody showed up. HA!

Katrina from the Gay and Lesbian Alliance showed up actually but she was supposed to assist in the discussion so technically she doesn't count.

In hindsight, organizing a gathering on marriage equality to discuss why folks don't come to gatherings on marriage equality might have been a bit off. We had hoped adding the element of dinner might make the talk a little more enticing.

As we partook of the lasagna, salad, fruit, etc. that Lucy Florence had set up for us we noticed a couple of guys enter the restaurant. The shorter guy was obviously family so we invited them both over to the table.

What ensued was a very intriguing conversation of friendship and disparity between two people.

As it turned out, the two men who walked through the door were not a couple, they were best friends - one straight, one gay.

The straight guy told us how the two became friends, having first worked at an HIV clinic and then bonding over relationship issues turned two people who were first rivals into thick as thieves.

What was interesting about the conversation was that even after admitting that his gay counterpart was his dear friend and someone he would do anything for, the straight guy - Mike - admitted that he felt that marriage should only be between a man and a woman, justifying his position with concerns about children, population, belief and other potential downfalls in society.

I think Mike represents a large portion of today's American society. That being, a person enveloped in his personal belief system yet faced with the reality of true feelings of love for a gay person. The conflicting issues of religion vs. real life is reconciled with the claim that they're being "compassionate" which I personally find to be a condescending sentiment.

When asked his concerns about gay marriage, Mike did not have a clearly defined reason, what he had was a hodgepodge of some not clearly defined fears.

When I challenged him with my real-life example of a lesbian couple who were denied rights of survivorsip when one of them died and asked him how he could allow their children to suffer because the marriage is not legally sanctioned and as such denied the children of certain rights, he asked me why I was blaming him personally. I told him if he voted against gay rights then he is personally responsible for the financial hardship placed up on these children. I don't think he ever really understood that because he kept dismissing his no vote on gay marriage with the belief that the world is changing and that there are more people FOR gay marriage these days than there are AGAINST so what he demmed "our side" will outnumber "his side" soon and it'll all be good.

HUH?

Anyway, I see Mike as a microcosm of the heterosexual African American community who do not support gay marriage - especially those ensconced in religion. The desire to preserve the "traditional" family unit (even though most of us - gay or straight- never grew up in one), religion, and concerns that gay begats gay relative to children is what keeps them voting against our rights time and time again.

I doubt that we changed Mike's mind at all and I can only hope that he took our words to heart on how his discomfort and fear about the lifestyle were putting good taxpaying, educated, decent gay and lesbian people in difficult social and financial positions but even if he doesn't, it was worth the time to look into the mind of those who don't support us.